I suppose I have been procrastinating.   Opening that diary means opening my past.  Opening unimaginable despair and heart ache.   But I did promise I would do it.  I have too do it.

I imagined myself at my age now much differently.  Not better, not worse...just thought the hell would of had a final due date.  Unfortunately death will only separate me.

I have no regrets.  I cannot.  My children do not have to live a life wondering where I was?  Wondering why nobody stood up for them.  They do not have to grapple through adult hood with the damage of sexual, or verbal, or physical abuse.   The emotional goes without stating.

We endured homelessness, hunger, desperation, the lowest of lows.  We went virtually un noticed.
I would not let myself, especially my children become casualties of this war that we did not ask for.

I rather have suffered the lack of security, the lack of food, and shelter than look back on my life as somebody that chose comfort, or stability over freedom.  I had to fight for them.  I could not let them go into the un kown, the possible what if's, because if a person can speak such horror they are certainly capable of follow through.  I for one, deep in my soul, could not take that chance.  I just could not, this was not even something I had to debate within myself.  There was only an option one.
I wanted freedom for us all.  I could not find it in my own country.

So here I am.   Living in a third world country.  One child grown and back to her homeland, doing what she wants....school, and work and getting a life that she may not have otherwise had.  Also doing it on her own.  I am very proud.

I am here still with my youngest who is 15.  Life somehow just hit somewhat of a normalcy over the last two years.  Yet internally we all suffer still.  So much.

We never long for home.  At least not too much.  We sometimes long for what should of been, but we try not to hold onto that for long.  Believe it or not, we almost are at peace.   My son is happy being a teenager, we have food most the time, I have created myself a job here which keeps us out of the red so to speak.   Things could always be better,  We always strive for better.

I will in the next few posts try to start from the beginning.....I will post all I wrote in my journal, straight forward, uncut.    Even if I feel skirmish and vulnerable.  I will do it.

I am a grateful person.  I am grateful for my hands to write these words, I am grateful both my kids are healthy.  I am grateful I never fell into addictions.  I am grateful for a roof.  For a job. For food.
Most importantly I am so very grateful we are Free.