March 23, 2010
I come in my own tears, the complete despair I suffer
Day and night I suffer because of fear. I need to hand it all over to you.
The only person I can trust my heart, my soul with. Lord do not le my running ahead endanger this family, forgive me my mistakes.
Revenge is yours, not mine.
I need freedom so so bad Lord.
Make me not a lair, propel us to our destiny.
Help me to provide for my babies and to give them their hearts desires, and I will be filled.
Let me bring comfort God, to those that need it,
To those who need understanding
To those victims who have suffered. Let me never forget tis pain, so that I can bring comfort and understanding.
we need YOU
Please help us Set us free, I worry so much. I get sick, Yet I know I need to trust your words you gave me
I want to be redeemed God in your eyes only..
Let my words be few, but my comfort plentiful.
Please hear our prayers we need a miracle
I need wisdom and faith you will save us from farther oppression
God hear my cries
Guide me, show me, fulfill my hearts desires YOU have given me.
Protect and defend us with your word.
Lord protect us from every evil thing cast upon us.
Get us out, let me not forget the despair because I want to pay it all forward. I want my children to see YOU in ME.
Please God be swift, help us financially Lord, go beyond the men, the manipulations of their own purposes.
Set my kids and their mom free!!!
Sunday, April 23, 2017
January 27th 2010
It was like a night terror.
But you God were right by my side You justified me YOu promised to be my rear guard, you have already gone before me, helped me.
Help me not to run before you, help me to wait on you
" Every tongue that rises against me in judgement Lord you will condemn"
You will speak on my behalf. I do not need to speak, you are my defender.
"No weapons formed against me will prosper"
Thank you for the re establishing of my faith in your promises
You will contend with those who contend with me, and you will save my children.
Help me through Lord, all the way out!
You promised we will be far from terror and oppression, great will be the peace of children..
Could I be more grateful, I do not know?
It was like a night terror.
But you God were right by my side You justified me YOu promised to be my rear guard, you have already gone before me, helped me.
Help me not to run before you, help me to wait on you
" Every tongue that rises against me in judgement Lord you will condemn"
You will speak on my behalf. I do not need to speak, you are my defender.
"No weapons formed against me will prosper"
Thank you for the re establishing of my faith in your promises
You will contend with those who contend with me, and you will save my children.
Help me through Lord, all the way out!
You promised we will be far from terror and oppression, great will be the peace of children..
Could I be more grateful, I do not know?
January 14, 2010
Kids are reading, I am waiting for laundry to finish I just read my last entry. I surprise myself, sometimes the words i write when i come back to them, it is as if my hand was guided by your spirit.
I cannot really pray for anymore than are on the last two pages,
Even before the "Notice of Battle" God I just cannot deny your presence here. You have brought me here....
"The mouths of Kings will be shut, and they will listen"
You will like you promised "Rise up a standard against them" you will see all the truth and you are guiding my hands and feet, my words i will speak.
My son is your son, My daughter is your daughter.
You will deliver us. You tell me "Who ever wages a war against us they will fall"
Help me Lord to do right by you and to trust you for the outcome.
You have got us this far Lord and I know it is for a purpose YOU will save my children.
In spite of my downfalls your words you gave e will not fail, and I know i will be driven by an unstoppable force, with all the power and strength you provide, with all my voice I will go forward knowing you are behind it all.
I will feel anxious and get tired , but my flesh will not rule over me because of the spirit you have given to me. How come you have blessed me? So much you give me and never turn you back from me
You put me right on track, even when I want to back slide in my flesh, you have not allowed it, because you are preparing the way to our Freedom. True physical freedom I am so excited Lord for a new, real brand new nothing holding us back, start!
What will we do? I know i need to be sure I listen to you before I run ahead of myself. Of course a little fun for the kids and I? some real fun, with no restraints , no worries, no wondering in the back of our minds when the other shoe will drop, wow? what will it really feel lke? I know you will deliver us. I believe Lord, all my trust has to be in you and you alone.
Help from places so unexpected?? I asked before court in my diary? Her name was Adriennne Rocko..
YOU sent her?! She looked me in the eyes and said " You know you know, what you know"
and right as we wait to be called into court she gave me her Bible.!!!!
The attorney letter forwarded from Bruce, all the help from above even when I lost hope you would not let me go
Send me Lord. I will go.
Thank you I love you.
Kids are reading, I am waiting for laundry to finish I just read my last entry. I surprise myself, sometimes the words i write when i come back to them, it is as if my hand was guided by your spirit.
I cannot really pray for anymore than are on the last two pages,
Even before the "Notice of Battle" God I just cannot deny your presence here. You have brought me here....
"The mouths of Kings will be shut, and they will listen"
You will like you promised "Rise up a standard against them" you will see all the truth and you are guiding my hands and feet, my words i will speak.
My son is your son, My daughter is your daughter.
You will deliver us. You tell me "Who ever wages a war against us they will fall"
Help me Lord to do right by you and to trust you for the outcome.
You have got us this far Lord and I know it is for a purpose YOU will save my children.
In spite of my downfalls your words you gave e will not fail, and I know i will be driven by an unstoppable force, with all the power and strength you provide, with all my voice I will go forward knowing you are behind it all.
I will feel anxious and get tired , but my flesh will not rule over me because of the spirit you have given to me. How come you have blessed me? So much you give me and never turn you back from me
You put me right on track, even when I want to back slide in my flesh, you have not allowed it, because you are preparing the way to our Freedom. True physical freedom I am so excited Lord for a new, real brand new nothing holding us back, start!
What will we do? I know i need to be sure I listen to you before I run ahead of myself. Of course a little fun for the kids and I? some real fun, with no restraints , no worries, no wondering in the back of our minds when the other shoe will drop, wow? what will it really feel lke? I know you will deliver us. I believe Lord, all my trust has to be in you and you alone.
Help from places so unexpected?? I asked before court in my diary? Her name was Adriennne Rocko..
YOU sent her?! She looked me in the eyes and said " You know you know, what you know"
and right as we wait to be called into court she gave me her Bible.!!!!
The attorney letter forwarded from Bruce, all the help from above even when I lost hope you would not let me go
Send me Lord. I will go.
Thank you I love you.
March 20, 2009
I am holding on Lord, I am hoping for a miracle. I pray you will lead me ad make me wise. this feeling I owe everyone makes me depressed. I feel so much judgement. Help me Lord. search my mind and heart and soul. Have I judged them???
Let me not be the same, let me not be put to shame any longer.
Let me not be as they have treated me and my children.
Let my gifts be from a pure heart
attached to nothing but giving. I ask for wisdom God. I need your wisdom.
Wise enough to ask you first without giving thought to the judgement of others .
Watch over us Lord. Be our father, this family will be set apart because of you and you alone.
It us so dumb on my part to even want friends and expect them to understand or want to be around us considering the constant plight we face.
So I wait, hoping for a permanent way out.
I am tired of running, of moving, of not being able to make decisions based on wants instead of fears.
If I could only pray for one thing for the kids right now, it would be deliverance, deliverance from a past that will not go away,deliverance from (his) Legacy, deliverance from every evil trap he lays down for us.
Financial deliverance because so much of our freedom relies on that.
So we could rest. So we could do what we need to do, so we could get off the third floor, so we could disappear and never be found.
I love my son. I would lay down my life for his well being, of course my daughter too. I am going to cling to the words of Isaiah "That YOU have promised, you will save my children" that I do not have to fight anymore because you have already gone before me and won this battle.
I need help remembering that Lord. I need so much more wisdom, I need to just cling to who I am in you.
You are God, the only person who really knows my heart, who really see's the truth of every situation .
Please move swiftly Lord, like a thief, come in and turn this situation into freedom and tears of joy instead of the constant battle, the looking over our shoulders, the fears, the tears of despair we have been forced to endure. I know it is all going to be for good Lord, that you are going to use us to save other people. But now I am tired. I feel weak. I have lost my strength to go on.
Please help me, to help us. To help my babies, to kept us safe and free from oppression. We do need you, without you we crumble and become weary. so swoop in with your sword and I ask that you save us, get us out for good, so fast, so swift, so over Lord that we have no doubt it was your hand that won our lives back.
Keep us healthy, I know that is most important now. Keep us focused, bring help Lord from places so unexpected. Thank you for what you have already done, thank you for what you are about to do than you for even those prayers you said no too, because it was best for us all.
I am so tired, yet I know I will go on. \Thank you for my children even those you have chosen to keep for me, even when I walk away from you Lord I know you are there looking out for us, caring me when I stop walking, picking me up when I stumble, loving me in spite of me.
200- 2010 10 years a decade of abuse
>
Seriously No wonder I am tired....This year it will all be worth every struggle when you God puts an end, a finality a death to the battles we have endured.
I am holding on Lord, I am hoping for a miracle. I pray you will lead me ad make me wise. this feeling I owe everyone makes me depressed. I feel so much judgement. Help me Lord. search my mind and heart and soul. Have I judged them???
Let me not be the same, let me not be put to shame any longer.
Let me not be as they have treated me and my children.
Let my gifts be from a pure heart
attached to nothing but giving. I ask for wisdom God. I need your wisdom.
Wise enough to ask you first without giving thought to the judgement of others .
Watch over us Lord. Be our father, this family will be set apart because of you and you alone.
It us so dumb on my part to even want friends and expect them to understand or want to be around us considering the constant plight we face.
So I wait, hoping for a permanent way out.
I am tired of running, of moving, of not being able to make decisions based on wants instead of fears.
If I could only pray for one thing for the kids right now, it would be deliverance, deliverance from a past that will not go away,deliverance from (his) Legacy, deliverance from every evil trap he lays down for us.
Financial deliverance because so much of our freedom relies on that.
So we could rest. So we could do what we need to do, so we could get off the third floor, so we could disappear and never be found.
I love my son. I would lay down my life for his well being, of course my daughter too. I am going to cling to the words of Isaiah "That YOU have promised, you will save my children" that I do not have to fight anymore because you have already gone before me and won this battle.
I need help remembering that Lord. I need so much more wisdom, I need to just cling to who I am in you.
You are God, the only person who really knows my heart, who really see's the truth of every situation .
Please move swiftly Lord, like a thief, come in and turn this situation into freedom and tears of joy instead of the constant battle, the looking over our shoulders, the fears, the tears of despair we have been forced to endure. I know it is all going to be for good Lord, that you are going to use us to save other people. But now I am tired. I feel weak. I have lost my strength to go on.
Please help me, to help us. To help my babies, to kept us safe and free from oppression. We do need you, without you we crumble and become weary. so swoop in with your sword and I ask that you save us, get us out for good, so fast, so swift, so over Lord that we have no doubt it was your hand that won our lives back.
Keep us healthy, I know that is most important now. Keep us focused, bring help Lord from places so unexpected. Thank you for what you have already done, thank you for what you are about to do than you for even those prayers you said no too, because it was best for us all.
I am so tired, yet I know I will go on. \Thank you for my children even those you have chosen to keep for me, even when I walk away from you Lord I know you are there looking out for us, caring me when I stop walking, picking me up when I stumble, loving me in spite of me.
200- 2010 10 years a decade of abuse
>
Seriously No wonder I am tired....This year it will all be worth every struggle when you God puts an end, a finality a death to the battles we have endured.
Ok, here goes.
Exerts from May 4th 2009
I felt so helpless last night. Seeing the emotions from Levi's face when () Monster re appears It is so hard, it puts me in the usual catch 22. Lord protect both my kids in all the areas I cannot.
Help me to help them know the truth.
This morning I felt overwhelmed with the impending debt I am about to face, so I prayed. I prayed for a good sign from you Lord
Anything for us to have a sense of not being stranded by continual sense of oppression.
I go to my mail box and A Bill, one that i not accurate, one that should not be a per a prior agreement that was made.
I felt like crying, like when the Mom ant the gymnastics told me her husband was a stand in for the kids. I just felt deflated as stupid as that sounds. I have just felt lately it is our turn, the kids and I, we all need something to feel alive and excited about, to look forward to, we need a Good sign
But the holding cell. the pause button on our lives.... why cannot I feel your freedom? where is our liberty? I feel choked and strangled most of the time yet I know I am grateful for your promises We have had enough Lord. Please I beg your swiftness, I need help to keep trusting and to make the best of where we are, why we are here? Help us, Make the threat go away.
Forever
I believe int he promises you gave me
Can you Lord set us free? can you Lord make it happen, let no hands stand in the way I pray lord for finality for that finality for that final relief.we have been waiting for for so long. Please Lord we do need you help. Will you help us Lord? I ask for swiftness but I know that your timing is not mine. Finality an end to the fear, stress and chaos that is what we need. Financially Lord we need your help provide for us a way to stay together, a way to make our own choices about our lives not someone else.
Yet I realize you are in control and you have kept me in a place where I am set apart, different than the worldly norm. I pray that for my children because they do not need the world, they need you God. Continue to untangle us Lord, help us to serve your purpose not the world. My prayer today is word on financial relief....thank you for hearing me......
Exerts from May 4th 2009
I felt so helpless last night. Seeing the emotions from Levi's face when () Monster re appears It is so hard, it puts me in the usual catch 22. Lord protect both my kids in all the areas I cannot.
Help me to help them know the truth.
This morning I felt overwhelmed with the impending debt I am about to face, so I prayed. I prayed for a good sign from you Lord
Anything for us to have a sense of not being stranded by continual sense of oppression.
I go to my mail box and A Bill, one that i not accurate, one that should not be a per a prior agreement that was made.
I felt like crying, like when the Mom ant the gymnastics told me her husband was a stand in for the kids. I just felt deflated as stupid as that sounds. I have just felt lately it is our turn, the kids and I, we all need something to feel alive and excited about, to look forward to, we need a Good sign
But the holding cell. the pause button on our lives.... why cannot I feel your freedom? where is our liberty? I feel choked and strangled most of the time yet I know I am grateful for your promises We have had enough Lord. Please I beg your swiftness, I need help to keep trusting and to make the best of where we are, why we are here? Help us, Make the threat go away.
Forever
I believe int he promises you gave me
Can you Lord set us free? can you Lord make it happen, let no hands stand in the way I pray lord for finality for that finality for that final relief.we have been waiting for for so long. Please Lord we do need you help. Will you help us Lord? I ask for swiftness but I know that your timing is not mine. Finality an end to the fear, stress and chaos that is what we need. Financially Lord we need your help provide for us a way to stay together, a way to make our own choices about our lives not someone else.
Yet I realize you are in control and you have kept me in a place where I am set apart, different than the worldly norm. I pray that for my children because they do not need the world, they need you God. Continue to untangle us Lord, help us to serve your purpose not the world. My prayer today is word on financial relief....thank you for hearing me......
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
I suppose I have been procrastinating. Opening that diary means opening my past. Opening unimaginable despair and heart ache. But I did promise I would do it. I have too do it.
I imagined myself at my age now much differently. Not better, not worse...just thought the hell would of had a final due date. Unfortunately death will only separate me.
I have no regrets. I cannot. My children do not have to live a life wondering where I was? Wondering why nobody stood up for them. They do not have to grapple through adult hood with the damage of sexual, or verbal, or physical abuse. The emotional goes without stating.
We endured homelessness, hunger, desperation, the lowest of lows. We went virtually un noticed.
I would not let myself, especially my children become casualties of this war that we did not ask for.
I rather have suffered the lack of security, the lack of food, and shelter than look back on my life as somebody that chose comfort, or stability over freedom. I had to fight for them. I could not let them go into the un kown, the possible what if's, because if a person can speak such horror they are certainly capable of follow through. I for one, deep in my soul, could not take that chance. I just could not, this was not even something I had to debate within myself. There was only an option one.
I wanted freedom for us all. I could not find it in my own country.
So here I am. Living in a third world country. One child grown and back to her homeland, doing what she wants....school, and work and getting a life that she may not have otherwise had. Also doing it on her own. I am very proud.
I am here still with my youngest who is 15. Life somehow just hit somewhat of a normalcy over the last two years. Yet internally we all suffer still. So much.
We never long for home. At least not too much. We sometimes long for what should of been, but we try not to hold onto that for long. Believe it or not, we almost are at peace. My son is happy being a teenager, we have food most the time, I have created myself a job here which keeps us out of the red so to speak. Things could always be better, We always strive for better.
I will in the next few posts try to start from the beginning.....I will post all I wrote in my journal, straight forward, uncut. Even if I feel skirmish and vulnerable. I will do it.
I am a grateful person. I am grateful for my hands to write these words, I am grateful both my kids are healthy. I am grateful I never fell into addictions. I am grateful for a roof. For a job. For food.
Most importantly I am so very grateful we are Free.
I imagined myself at my age now much differently. Not better, not worse...just thought the hell would of had a final due date. Unfortunately death will only separate me.
I have no regrets. I cannot. My children do not have to live a life wondering where I was? Wondering why nobody stood up for them. They do not have to grapple through adult hood with the damage of sexual, or verbal, or physical abuse. The emotional goes without stating.
We endured homelessness, hunger, desperation, the lowest of lows. We went virtually un noticed.
I would not let myself, especially my children become casualties of this war that we did not ask for.
I rather have suffered the lack of security, the lack of food, and shelter than look back on my life as somebody that chose comfort, or stability over freedom. I had to fight for them. I could not let them go into the un kown, the possible what if's, because if a person can speak such horror they are certainly capable of follow through. I for one, deep in my soul, could not take that chance. I just could not, this was not even something I had to debate within myself. There was only an option one.
I wanted freedom for us all. I could not find it in my own country.
So here I am. Living in a third world country. One child grown and back to her homeland, doing what she wants....school, and work and getting a life that she may not have otherwise had. Also doing it on her own. I am very proud.
I am here still with my youngest who is 15. Life somehow just hit somewhat of a normalcy over the last two years. Yet internally we all suffer still. So much.
We never long for home. At least not too much. We sometimes long for what should of been, but we try not to hold onto that for long. Believe it or not, we almost are at peace. My son is happy being a teenager, we have food most the time, I have created myself a job here which keeps us out of the red so to speak. Things could always be better, We always strive for better.
I will in the next few posts try to start from the beginning.....I will post all I wrote in my journal, straight forward, uncut. Even if I feel skirmish and vulnerable. I will do it.
I am a grateful person. I am grateful for my hands to write these words, I am grateful both my kids are healthy. I am grateful I never fell into addictions. I am grateful for a roof. For a job. For food.
Most importantly I am so very grateful we are Free.
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