March 23, 2010
I come in my own tears, the complete despair I suffer
Day and night I suffer because of fear. I need to hand it all over to you.
The only person I can trust my heart, my soul with. Lord do not le my running ahead endanger this family, forgive me my mistakes.
Revenge is yours, not mine.
I need freedom so so bad Lord.
Make me not a lair, propel us to our destiny.
Help me to provide for my babies and to give them their hearts desires, and I will be filled.
Let me bring comfort God, to those that need it,
To those who need understanding
To those victims  who have suffered. Let me never forget tis pain, so that I can bring comfort and understanding.
we need YOU
Please help us Set us free, I worry so much. I get sick, Yet I know I need to trust your words you gave me
I want to be redeemed God in your eyes only..
Let my words be few, but my comfort plentiful.
Please hear our prayers we need a miracle
I need wisdom and faith you will save us from farther oppression
God hear my cries
Guide me, show me, fulfill my hearts desires YOU have given me.
Protect and defend us with your word.
Lord protect us from every evil thing cast upon us.
Get us out, let me not forget the despair because I want to pay it all forward.  I want my children to see YOU in ME.
Please God be swift, help us financially Lord, go beyond the men, the manipulations of their own purposes.
Set my kids and their mom free!!!

January  27th 2010


It was like a night terror.
But you God were right by  my side  You justified me YOu promised to be my rear guard, you have already gone before me, helped me.
Help me not to run before you, help me to wait on you

" Every tongue that rises against me in judgement Lord you will condemn"
You will speak on my behalf. I do not need to speak, you are my defender.
"No weapons formed against me will prosper"

Thank you for the re establishing of my faith in your promises
You will contend with those who contend with me, and you will save my children.
Help me through Lord, all the way out!
You promised we will be far from terror and oppression, great will be the peace of  children..
Could I be more grateful, I do not know?

January 14, 2010

Kids are reading, I am waiting for laundry to finish I just read my last entry. I surprise myself, sometimes the words i write when i come back to them, it is as if my hand was guided by your spirit.
I cannot really pray for anymore than are on the last two pages,
Even before the "Notice of Battle"  God I just cannot deny your presence here. You have brought me here....
"The mouths of Kings will be shut, and they will listen"
You will like you promised "Rise up a standard against them"  you will see all the truth and you are guiding my hands and feet, my words i will speak.
My son is your son, My daughter is your daughter.
You will deliver us.  You tell me "Who ever wages a war against us they will fall"
Help me Lord to do right by you and to trust you for the outcome.
You have got us this far Lord and I know it is for a purpose YOU will save my children.
 In spite of my downfalls your words you gave e will not fail, and I know i will be driven by an unstoppable force, with all the power and strength you provide, with all my voice I will go forward knowing you are behind it all.

I will feel anxious and get tired , but my flesh will not rule over me because of the spirit you have given to me.  How come you have blessed me?  So much you give me and never turn you back from me
You put me right on track, even when I want to back slide in my flesh, you have not allowed it, because you are preparing the way to our Freedom.  True physical freedom  I am so excited Lord  for a new, real brand new nothing holding us back, start!
What will we do? I know i need to be sure I listen to you before I run ahead of myself. Of course a little fun for the kids and I?  some real fun, with no restraints , no worries, no wondering in the back of our minds when the other shoe will drop, wow? what will it really feel lke?  I know you will deliver us.  I believe Lord, all my trust has to be in you and you alone.
Help from places so unexpected??  I asked before court in my diary? Her name was Adriennne Rocko..
YOU sent her?! She looked me in the eyes and said " You know you know, what you know"
and right as we wait to be called into court she gave me her Bible.!!!!
The attorney letter forwarded from Bruce, all the help from above  even when I lost hope you would not let me go
Send me Lord.  I will go.
Thank you  I love you.

Ok  Coming up on the year 2010 of my little green book.

I want to go back and save my former me.

March 20, 2009

I am holding on Lord,  I am hoping for a miracle.  I pray you will lead me ad make me wise.  this feeling I owe everyone makes me depressed.  I feel so much judgement. Help me Lord.  search my mind and heart and soul. Have I judged them???
Let me not be the same, let me not be put to shame any longer.

Let me not be as they have treated me and my children.
Let my gifts be from a pure heart
attached to nothing but giving. I ask for wisdom God. I need your wisdom.
Wise enough to ask you first without giving thought to the judgement of others .
Watch over us Lord. Be our father, this family will be set apart because of you and you alone.

It us so dumb on my part to even want friends and expect them to understand or want to be around us considering the constant plight we face.
So I wait, hoping for a permanent way out.
I am tired of running, of moving, of not being able to make decisions based on wants instead of fears.
If I could only pray for one thing for the kids right now, it would be deliverance, deliverance from a past that will not go away,deliverance from (his) Legacy, deliverance from every evil trap he lays down for us.
Financial deliverance because so much of our freedom relies on that.
So we could rest.  So we could do what we need to do, so we could get off the third floor, so we could disappear and never be found.
I love my son. I would lay down my life for his well being, of course my daughter too.  I am going to cling to the words of Isaiah "That YOU have promised, you will save my children" that I do not have to fight anymore because you have already gone before me and won this battle.
I need help remembering that Lord. I need so much more wisdom, I need to just cling to who I am in you.
You are God, the only person who really knows my heart, who really see's the truth of every situation .
Please move swiftly Lord, like a thief, come in and turn this situation into freedom and tears of joy instead of the constant battle, the looking over our shoulders, the fears, the tears of despair we have been forced to endure.  I know it is all going to be for good Lord, that you are going to use us to save other people. But now I am tired.  I feel weak.  I have lost my strength to go on.

Please help me, to help us. To help my babies, to kept us safe and free from oppression. We do need you, without you we crumble and become weary. so swoop in with your sword and I ask that you save us, get us out for good, so fast, so swift, so over Lord that we have no doubt it was your hand that won our lives back.
Keep us healthy, I know that is most important now. Keep us focused, bring help Lord from places so unexpected. Thank you for what you have already done, thank you for what you are about to do than you for even those prayers you said no too, because it was best for us all.

I am so tired, yet I know I will go on. \Thank you for my children even those you have chosen to keep for me, even when I walk away from you Lord I know you are there looking out for us, caring me when I stop walking, picking me up when I stumble, loving me in spite of me.

200- 2010 10 years a decade of abuse
>
Seriously No wonder I am tired....This year it will all be worth every struggle when you God puts an end, a finality a death to the battles we have endured.

Ok, here goes.
Exerts from May 4th 2009

I felt so helpless last night. Seeing the emotions from Levi's face when () Monster re appears It is so hard, it puts me in the usual catch 22. Lord protect both my kids in all the areas I cannot.
Help me to help them know the truth.
This morning I felt overwhelmed with the impending debt I am about to face, so I prayed. I prayed for a good sign from you Lord
Anything for us to have a sense of not being stranded by continual sense of oppression.
I go to my mail box and A Bill, one that i not accurate, one that should not be a per a prior agreement that was made.
I felt like crying, like when the Mom ant the gymnastics told me her husband was a stand in for the kids.  I just felt deflated as stupid as that sounds. I have just felt lately it is our turn, the kids and I, we all need something to feel alive and excited about, to look forward to, we need a Good sign
But the holding cell. the pause button on our lives.... why cannot I feel your freedom? where is our liberty?  I feel choked and strangled most of the time yet I know I am grateful for your promises  We have had enough Lord. Please I beg your swiftness, I need help to keep trusting and to make the best of where we are, why we are here? Help us, Make the threat go away.
Forever
I believe int he promises you gave me
Can you Lord set us free? can you Lord make it happen, let no hands stand in the way I pray lord for finality for that finality for that final relief.we have been waiting for for so long. Please Lord we do need you help.  Will you help us Lord?  I ask for swiftness but I know that your timing is not mine.  Finality an end to the fear, stress and chaos that is what we need. Financially Lord we need your help provide for us a way to stay together, a way to make our own choices about our lives not someone else.
Yet I realize you are in control and you have kept me in a place where I am set apart, different than the worldly norm. I pray that for my children because they do not need the world, they need you God. Continue to untangle us Lord, help us to serve your purpose not the world.  My prayer today is word on financial relief....thank you for hearing me......

I suppose I have been procrastinating.   Opening that diary means opening my past.  Opening unimaginable despair and heart ache.   But I did promise I would do it.  I have too do it.

I imagined myself at my age now much differently.  Not better, not worse...just thought the hell would of had a final due date.  Unfortunately death will only separate me.

I have no regrets.  I cannot.  My children do not have to live a life wondering where I was?  Wondering why nobody stood up for them.  They do not have to grapple through adult hood with the damage of sexual, or verbal, or physical abuse.   The emotional goes without stating.

We endured homelessness, hunger, desperation, the lowest of lows.  We went virtually un noticed.
I would not let myself, especially my children become casualties of this war that we did not ask for.

I rather have suffered the lack of security, the lack of food, and shelter than look back on my life as somebody that chose comfort, or stability over freedom.  I had to fight for them.  I could not let them go into the un kown, the possible what if's, because if a person can speak such horror they are certainly capable of follow through.  I for one, deep in my soul, could not take that chance.  I just could not, this was not even something I had to debate within myself.  There was only an option one.
I wanted freedom for us all.  I could not find it in my own country.

So here I am.   Living in a third world country.  One child grown and back to her homeland, doing what she wants....school, and work and getting a life that she may not have otherwise had.  Also doing it on her own.  I am very proud.

I am here still with my youngest who is 15.  Life somehow just hit somewhat of a normalcy over the last two years.  Yet internally we all suffer still.  So much.

We never long for home.  At least not too much.  We sometimes long for what should of been, but we try not to hold onto that for long.  Believe it or not, we almost are at peace.   My son is happy being a teenager, we have food most the time, I have created myself a job here which keeps us out of the red so to speak.   Things could always be better,  We always strive for better.

I will in the next few posts try to start from the beginning.....I will post all I wrote in my journal, straight forward, uncut.    Even if I feel skirmish and vulnerable.  I will do it.

I am a grateful person.  I am grateful for my hands to write these words, I am grateful both my kids are healthy.  I am grateful I never fell into addictions.  I am grateful for a roof.  For a job. For food.
Most importantly I am so very grateful we are Free.

It's is true.  The mindless inception that has abducted our eyes, our thoughts, our hearing.  Do we even know what we believe in anymore?  Do we understand the consequences that lay before us.  Do we see our time being taken and twisted into a nothing more than installed memories.

I hate social media.  With all it's benefits we do not use it for the better good.   We never talk. We never interact.  We never see the real person..  We hide behind a pretty picture.  A brief smile, a hello you look pretty from a stranger, a midnight sexting, a hook up, a booty call, a world desperate for attention.  Yet so many are so alone, mislead by interactions that leave them vacant,  with nothing left but this alternate reality they have created.  I am sad.

 Social media is a where the ceste pool of deceit sucks us in as it's prey.  The scum of the earth will survive there.  It has given them wings and arms to reach our young, to reach our homes, hearts and minds.

Am i being dramatic?   Just take a look around.  I think not.  If the majority would just lift their heads up.  Just lift up your head.  Open your eyes to the people and world struggling around you.

Yes it gives many voices.  It gives many ideas, and advice.  Yet it does not succeed in bringing humanity together.  It only divides us.  Morally decaying us.  Putting thoughts in our minds.  Making up laughter and beauty, and horror and tears.  Where else can we see the mind numbing dumbing down of humanity.


The world has it's access.  Relationships do not survive they are like imaginary entities that fulfill every aspect of what we hope for in our own minds.  Say or do what ever it is you wish.  You will become nothing more than a shell casing.   An empty vessel that has forgotten how to love.  How to feel, how to see things in their original beauty.

Yes I am dramatic.  But more than that I am sad.

It would be so easy to never look back.  But our scars will not let me.  I am driven to let you in.
Let you see. Let you be apart, just in case.  In case you need somebody who understands, who understands deeply.

I will share.  Because I care.
I will open the door to places I rather not review.
But I want too,
For you.
Just in case it helps.
I hope it does.

So many times I cried to God.
Even when I actually believed no more.
I suppose he was still there.
Because I am here.

Letting you in.

Understanding abuse is a very difficult thing to do when faced alone.
Through our Journey, we suffered not only at the hands of the abuser, but at the hands of two very distinct systematic abuses put in front of each and every victim who wants to be free.
12 years we struggled.
We endured hunger, homelessness, despair, fear, sadness.
We lost our home.
We took legal action for help.  We looked to the church for help.
Both places filled with landmines just waiting to swallow us up.
Both systems equally traumatizing.  Both echoing the same voices of blame.
Why did you stay? If it was that bad? Yet neither place helped in the clear path for a way out.
The halls of a church echo judgement.
The halls of a court echo you have no rights any long to protect your children.
The church enables and pacifies abusers, and blames the victims for not keeping the Family together.
The courts judges and blames the victims by placing equal blame because in their minds you made that choice to marry?
So many wrong places to step.  Attorneys, Social Services, Pastors, Police, so many players so easily manipulated into looking the other way.  To this day.  There is NO safe route for a victim of abuse and their children to divorce from an abuser.  There are no safety nets.  There is no protection for children during litigation.
 Unfortunately once we were locked into the legal arena, divorce was more than we would survive.  Financially we lost our home(s), our car, our right to live free of abuse.  We were stalked, with ten years of documentation and restraint orders, no matter how we provided a safe place like a library, or park for visitation with the other parent, they never showed.  Yet, once they filed for divorce, I was no longer allowed to be present.
 The Family Court system shows groce neglect when it comes to the protection of children in the context of Divorce.  The legal system allowed suddenly for us to be legally stalked, by his attorneys, and private investigators, suddenly I was forced into choosing whether to risk the welfare of my children or wait so we would get the money we so desperately needed to get away from him., OR risk the threats of farther abuse and/or kidnappings.
 The Family court fails to make the link between spousal abuse and child abuse, They fail to protect spouses and their children when presented with the legality of Divorce.  Divorce legally took away my God given right to protect myself and my offspring.  I suppose if we had a million dollars in our pocket the outcome could of been different?  Financially we were destroyed which left us very few options in the end to keep fighting.  The abuser was able to use the courts to abuse and terrorize us out of any kinda of settlement that would of provided for myself and my children.  Due to the lack of protection, the failure to allow both my children to be included in the restraint order that had been renewed each year for over a 10 year period, once Family court was involved none of what we went through mattered in the Divorce arena. The number one thing is control.  How better to control the actions of your spouse than threatening to harm their children.  It is such a common tactic of abusers yet Family Court and all it's players refuse to make the connection.
So much needs to be said here.  But this is all the tip of the ice burg.

For now.  I will share small exerts of our story.  Through the eyes of MAE.  Journals were kept over an 11 year span.  Decisions were made. Rather than risk the worst we did what we had to do because we were left with no alternatives.

I hope this journey we endured, and survived helps others.  You are not alone.